


cherry | p. jimin

by clcprint



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeon Jungkook & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Jeon Jungkook is a Dork, Mentioned Kim Jongin | Kai, Mentioned Other K-pop Artist(s), Min Yoongi | Suga Has a Big Dick, Park Jimin is Whipped (BTS), Park Jimin is a Ray of Sunshine (BTS), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, i love jimin and thats partly why i wrote this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29634402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clcprint/pseuds/clcprint
Summary: life goes on like this again.p. jimintw // eating disorders, depression, mentions of self harmalso published on wattpad under the same username and title.
Relationships: Min Yoongi | Suga & Original Female Character(s), Park Jimin (BTS)/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda like a vent fic for my eating disorder bc I've been on the verge of a relapse lately and figured maybe writing it out would help me prevent that so i hope u guys enjoy the product of my mental illness and if ur recovering i wouldn't recommend reading this but its rly up to you i cant control what u do just stay safe and ily guys

Getting accepted to SM Entertainment was like a dream come true, but it was only the first hurdle out of many. After that you compete with other trainees, some of who had been there for years, trying to secure a spot to make your debut. Some were lucky while some weren't.

Though she had only been a trainee for close to five months, Dasom had seen trainees come and go. She had seen trainees cry as they were kicked out after failing the monthly evaluation. However, she had seen some of her trainee friends move on and debut like her friend Jongin who debuted in EXO.

Dasom hadn't expected to debut. At least, not for a good couple of years. After all, she only considered her main strength to be dance. To her, she felt her vocal and rap skills were subpar at best and that many other trainees were more worthy to debut than her.

Though, that changed whenever she was pulled into a meeting room and was given the news. Now she laid on a practice room floor, chest and legs burning as she finished the choreography once again. Her stomach growled embarrassingly loud but instead, she took a drink of water, hoping that would keep her stomach quiet.

The words of her manager rang in her ears constantly, "If you're going to debut you need to lose weight. By next weigh-in, you need to lose at least ten pounds."

So, Dasom did exactly that. She turned down the food she used to love and danced until the early hours of the morning to burn as many calories as she could. Which is exactly what she was doing now.

She stared at the clock on the wall, watching as it ticked to three in the morning. With a groan she pushed herself off the practice room floor, deciding it was best she get some sleep then rather none at all.

As she gathered her things to leave the practice room, she couldn't help but glance at her reflection. In a way, she couldn't recognize herself. She looked like all the other trainees – exhausted, nervous. She prayed her efforts were worth it, all the hours she spent in the studio and practice room weren't in vain. She prayed she would be an artist that would stand out amongst the others.

After all, you only get a chance like this maybe once in a lifetime.


	2. him.

Sometimes you become close to people you don't expect. Sometimes you meet people in ways you didn't think were possible. That was how Dasom met Min Yoongi. He was a member of the same group as her brother and signed to the company as a producer but ended up as a trainee.

When he wasn't busy with stuff to do with Bighit he somehow found himself with Dasom. Whether it was midday and he was showing her how to play basketball, or it was the early morning hours and they were in the studio, they were always next to one another. Sometimes they weren't even working, they would just sit there and talk as the hours on the clock ticked by.  
He told her about how he was an underground rapper in Daegu. She told him about how she's been a dancer since she was eight. He helped write and produce her song. Yoongi wasn't the biggest person for physical contact, but when she hugged him after she listened to the final product of the song, he felt his heart skip a beat.

She invited him to the dance studio. He sat on the floor and watched as her body moved to the music gracefully as she hit every beat with a smile on her face to the point her dimples were on full display.

He felt mesmerized as he watched her. She danced like someone full to the brim with passion. He could see her small frown if she so much as put her foot in the wrong place. He watched as she made the song her own as if she was on a stage for everyone to watch instead of just his eyes.

That night they both walked home together. She loved looking at him. She loved looking at the graceful yet powerful features that adorned his face. She loved watching him in the studio, doing what he loved. He loved looking at her for she made him feel a way he hadn't felt in a long time.

As they were together in their world, nothing felt like a problem. As she laughed when he told her the story of how he was tricked into joining the group, he felt at ease.

The two reached the Bighit building and that was where they had to say goodbye. Tomorrow, Dasom and her family would be heading back to Ilsan. Though, she promised she would visit him again.

She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in for a hug he didn't reject. They stood there like that in silence for a minute before eventually pulling away. Finally, they said their goodbyes, but not before Dasom could give him a small kiss on his cheek. After that, she turned and started walking away, turning to wave to him one last time. He waved back before turning to walk back inside the Bighit building, a fluttering feeling in his stomach.


	3. the call.

After pushing from one of her friends, Dasom did what she never pictured herself doing. She went wither her friend and they both went to the SM Weekly Auditions. She protested as much as she could, but eventually gave in.

After all, was said and done, after that weekend she went home and picked back up her normal life. She went to school like she usually did and attended her dance practices after school like usual. Namjoon returned home for school so the house felt less empty than before.

That night, Dasom returned home from practice early. She opted to take a shower to wash away the day before she sat down on the couch opposite her brother. She fished around her backpack until she found the homework she needed to do.

Her mom was in the kitchen, fixing dinner for the family of five, humming some song as she cooked. On one end of the couch, Namjoon had his nose in a book while Dasom twirled her pencil through her fingers, staring at the homework she still didn't understand.

After what felt like hours despite only being thirty minutes she put the book away. Instead, she took out her phone, texting Yoongi back like she promised she would hours ago but never got the chance. She wished she could visit him again but school made it almost impossible.

Just as their mom was finishing cooking dinner the house phone rang. "I got it," she acknowledged since she was the closest. She shuffled the steps to the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello, we were calling to speak to Kim Dasom, is she there?" A formal woman's voice came from the other end.

"This is her," Dasom answered, confused as to who was calling her, especially this late in the evening.

"My name is Ahn Chaeun, I'm a representative for SM Entertainment and I was calling in response to your audition at our Weekly Auditions," she began, and Dasom could feel her heart race, "After a lot of consideration we decided that we would like to offer you a spot to be a trainee."

Dasom was speechless. At first, she didn't think it to be true and was some prank, but the more she kept talking she realized it was true. "I- I would love to!"

"Great!" the woman on the phone exclaimed. "If you can come down to Seoul on the 21st, we can discuss everything including the contract. Your mother may come along as well."

"Alright, thank you so much!" Dasom blurted and hung up the phone, her brain processing everything at what felt like a mile a minute.

"Who was that?" Namjoon asked, having observed the phone call from his spot on the couch.

"That was SM," she breathed, sitting back down on the couch, "They called me back about my audition and they want me to be a trainee."

"That's great!" Namjoon exclaimed, pulling his sister in for a brief hug. "Are you gonna do it?"

"I mean, yeah I'm going to but still," she shrugged, "I didn't expect to get in. There were so many good people at the audition."

Before dinner, Dasom quickly ran up the stairs and closed the door to her bedroom as she hastily dialed a number on her phone. She stood in the middle of her room as it rang before she heard a click and a familiar deep voice answer, "Hello?"

"Hey," she replied, a smile breaking out onto her face. "I just got great news and I wanted you to be one of the first people to hear it."

"What is it? Is it to do with your audition?" Yoongi asked curiously.

"Yeah," she breathed. "I just got off the phone with them. I got in and they want me to be a trainee. I have to be in Seoul on the 21st to talk about the contract and all that stuff."

"That's great!" He smiled. "I can see if they'll let me go for a few hours that day. It's just been a lot because they're in the process of making the group's debut plans."

They spent as much time talking as they good, lasting almost an hour. Dasom regretfully had to hang up as her mother was shouting at her to come to eat dinner as she had finished cooking. She hung up, promising to call him back, and headed downstairs to give her family the news.


	4. new.

Adjusting to the strenuous schedule of trainee life was one of the things it took some getting used to. She ended up having to transfer schools to one that was closer so she could go back and forth. After school, they would practice dancing, singing, rapping, and all of the idol etiquette. Dasom quickly made friends with her fellow trainees, but also soon realized it was gonna get competitive. It was known among them that SM was planning for a new girl group. How many members they didn't know but that didn't stop the few girl trainees that SM had.

Joohyun, one of the slightly older trainees she had befriended, was one of the trainees selected and Dasom was happy for her. Joohyun was one of the first people who introduced themselves to her and even offered to help her. Though a lot of trainees were scared of Joohyun, Dasom chose to ignore it as she saw how nice the girl was.

One of the more stressful parts of being a trainee was the evaluations. There you were watched and judged on your dancing, singing, and rapping skills. Dasom was one of the few female trainees pushed to be a rapper as they learned that she demonstrated her already given talent with one she had written.

They also strictly monitored your weight, every so often making you step on a scale to record whether you've lost or gained any weight since the last time. Dasom hated it. She had never been one to be insecure about her weight, but as she was surrounded by trainees who looked skinnier than her, suddenly her favorite foods weren't as appetizing anymore.

Many female trainees often stayed late to improve their skills and get chosen to debut. Dasom often stayed late as she wanted to simply improve. She wanted to be an artist to be proud of. That was why many people saw her in the practice rooms until their early morning hours, barely able to stand on her own two feet as she headed back to the trainee dorms.

Perhaps not being able to talk to Yoongi was the hardest part. She missed his presence, finding it comforting and feeling safe as long as he was there. These feelings were all too foreign to her as no man had ever made her feel the way he did. All she had was the little stuffed bear he had gifted her with and she treasured it.

Tonight was one of Dasom's many late nights. The music echoed around the almost empty practice room as her body followed the music, her brain so focused on the beats that it ignored the burning pain in her legs. She came to a stop, wiping the sweat off her forehead as she finally sat down.

There wasn't a day when she didn't miss her family. She missed the little things the most — her little fights with Namjoon, helping her mother in the kitchen, having late-night talks with her dad, helping and guiding her younger sister. She knew Namjoon was busier than ever preparing for his group's debut and it made her smile for she knew how hard he worked and how much it meant to him.

After looking at the clock she decided it was best to go to bed. After all, she had school and she couldn't risk her school performance dropping. She grabbed the speaker from the floor and turned the light off as she exited, quietly making her way through the building to the room where the female trainees slept.

Half the beds were empty — typical. She knew that they were either practicing or meeting with some of the male trainees. She had been hit on by a couple of male trainees but the hold her heart had of Yoongi, she couldn't do it. It felt wrong for her to lead a person on when her heart was somewhere else.

She hurried as fast as she could to change into her pajamas, the effects of her long hours of practicing setting in. She could feel the grasp of sleep pulling her in before she'd even laid down. In what felt like seconds she ended up falling fast asleep, clutching the soft bear she treasured so much.


	5. deal.

Dasom felt like a failure.

Today was the scheduled weigh-in for the trainees. She weighed 53 kgs, only managing to lose 3 kgs since the last one almost 2 weeks ago. She couldn't see a difference, any time she looked in the mirror all she could see her thighs that were larger compared to the other female trainees it made her feel sick.

She knew she had to push down those feelings as today she had a rare free day from the strenuous training. She planned to meet Yoongi at a little cafe down the street before they went to a park, each of them needed just a break from the confines of their companies walls.

She almost considered not going, feeling disgusted with how she looked in the mirror no matter what she wore. However, she decided on loose jeans and a sweater to hide her body from people's judgmental eyes and her own.

She stepped out of the SM building, greeted by a gust of wind that easily chilled her. She took off down the street, blending in with the crowd that went in both directions. She occasionally glanced up, not wanting to miss the sign of the place.

In the distance, she could make out the easily recognizable figure of Yoongi in the somewhat distance. She slightly picked up the pace, excitement bubbling inside her. It had felt like years since she had seen him since she signed with SM.

"Hey," she breathed as she came to a stop by his side. Almost immediately his eyes brightened and a smile spread on his lips. "Sorry, it took me so long."

"It's okay," he reassured as they walked inside. "I'm just glad you made it and we're both able to just take a break."

Each of them ordered a coffee and then stood off to the people behind the counter made their drinks. She couldn't help looking up at him, admiring his beautiful and delicate features. He couldn't help but notice and he found it adorable.

They each grabbed their coffees and sat down at one of the little booths in the corner. There it felt like they were once again in their world where it was just them — none of their stress existed in that time. Dasom loved just simply being in his presence and he loved being in hers.

Then, in the middle of the conversation, he said something she didn't expect. "You've lost a lot of weight," he commented, looking at her with a slightly worried expression and it made her nervous.

She visibly tensed, "I lost a bit, but I'm fine, I promise," she answered, hoping to quickly steer the conversation in another direction but Yoongi wasn't having it.

"Have you been eating?" He questioned further, "When did you last eat?" Dasom knew he was only concerned, but his questions suddenly made her very aware of her body and it made her feel almost nauseous.

"I ate a couple of hours ago," she lied with a shrug. The coffee she was drinking was the first thing she had consumed other than water in the last two days. "I had lunch with this trainee, her name is Yerim."

Yoongi said nothing as he stood up and walked up to the counter. Dasom felt her hands start to get shaky as he watched him soon come back with a little bowl of fruit and placed it in front of her. He sat back down across from her and took a sip of his coffee.

"Eat it," he said, watching her reaction. She swallowed, staring at the bowl in front of her. "You don't have to eat all of it. Just a couple of pieces." It was fruit. It's good for you but all it did was make her feel sick, but she knew without him speaking that they weren't leaving until she at least ate some of it.

With nervous hands, she picked up the fork and stabbed the strawberry that was in the bowl. She put it in her mouth and chewed it slowly before swallowing. She did that a couple more times until she felt she physically couldn't and put the fork down. Across from her, Yoongi looked at least somewhat relieved and he didn't bring up the topic again, though it loomed in the back of his mind.

After their coffee, they went on a stroll through a park. They walked close together with his hand in hers, talking about anything and everything they could before they would have to head back. Occasionally she would point at a bird she thought was pretty or a squirrel that ran by. They sat on a bench, admiring the view that nature had to offer. She rested her head on his shoulder, both of them still holding hands having long forgotten they were still connected. She wanted to enjoy this time for she didn't know how long it would be before they saw each other again.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Those 5 words felt caught in his throat each time. His mind raced with thoughts of how she could say no and reject him. He knew he liked her. He had even brought it up to Namjoon during one of their nights in the studio. He was fine with it and he knew Yoongi was being genuine and he trusted him.

"You know," Dasom said after a while, breaking the silence between them, "I think you're really pretty."

Yoongi felt his heart jump out of his chest. He didn't know if he had imagined that, but as he looked down at her, he knew she said it. "I think you're pretty too," he replied, trying his best to not show how nervous he was in his voice.

"I'm serious," she declared. "I think you're beautiful and you're one of the most hardworking people I've ever met. I've thought it for a while, and I don't know what even made me say it out loud."

Yoongi was in awe. After his mind fully comprehended what she said, a big smile spread across his face. In a sudden burst of confidence, he did what he never thought he would do. He kissed her, and much to his joy she didn't pull away.

They stayed like that for as long as they could before they pulled away for air. They stared at each other, breathless as they each didn't say a word. Dasom was in shock, not expecting it but it was everything she had hoped it would be. Yoongi couldn't believe he had even done it, but he loved the feeling of her plush lips on his.

"Probably a dumb question to ask but," he shrugged, occasionally looking away as he was still nervous despite what just happened. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes," Dasom answered, the biggest smile spread across her face, "but, as long as you teach me how to play basketball one day," she joked with a pout which caused Yoongi to laugh.

"Deal," he replied, kissing her once again.

Dasom returned to the SM building feeling possibly the happiest she had ever been, and even the other trainees could see it as she made it back to the dorm they all shared. The traces of a smile never left her face, even as she changed into more comfortable clothes and made her way to a practice room.

She had barely stepped through the door when she heard a voice behind her, "Dasom?" The voice asked and she turned around to see one of the people who are in charge of their monthly evaluations.

Confused, she closed the door, "Yes?" She replied, a sudden burst of fear quickly surging through her body.

"I know it's late, but please, come with me. Some others and I would like to have a conversation with you," she stated, turning around to walk down the hallway with Dasom following behind her.


	6. plans.

She followed the woman to what looked like a meeting room, and when she pushed open the door she was right. At a long table, she saw many official people all conversing with one another. In the middle of the table was easily recognizable as the CEO of the company, Lee Sooman. Sometimes he would come in and observe their monthly evaluations.

The moment the door behind them closed the chatter died down as they took their seats. They gestured for her to sit down across from them, seeing as Dasom was standing there petrified like a deer caught in headlights. She took a seat in the chair, swallowing nervously as she awaited what they were gonna tell her.

"Dasom, I, personally, would like to say that you are a wonderful trainee," it was Lee Sooman who spoke much to her surprise. "You've shown a demonstration of magnificent talent since you've stepped through our doors. Out of all our trainees — male and female — your scores are consistently one of the highest, and that is why we would like to debut you as an idol."

Dasom nearly choked. "Me?" she asked, completely dumbfounded. "But I've only been here like 4 months."

"Yes, but in those 4 months, you've gone far beyond everyone's expectations. You're exactly what this company is needing in an idol," he encouraged. "I've watched over your evaluations and I'm fully confident that you will do amazing."

"I-I-" The words felt stuck in her throat, unable to believe what she was hearing. "I mean, I would love to. Would I be in a group?"

"We were considering that," he answered. "I'm sure you know how we're in the process of a new girl group — Red Velvet. Yet, after some discussion we all agreed someone with your talent should be a soloist," he explained, "Though there is still a possibility of you being in the group."

"When would I debut?" she asked.

"We want to get you training and preparing as soon as possible," he answered. "We want to push for June or possibly July which is why we want to start as early as possible." Dasom nodded, listening as he explained though without giving away too much.

"One last thing — I know it is very late," he stated, "Who is that boy you came back with?" He asked and Dasom felt her heart drop. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, actually," she answered, choosing to go ahead and be truthful. "He's going to debut in a group with my brother this year. I've known him for almost 3 years. I hope it's not a problem."

"It's no problem at all," he answered, providing Dasom a sense of relief. "We encourage our idols to date. Now, you should go get some sleep, and tomorrow you will start preparing."  
After that and some quick goodbyes, Dasom made her way back to the trainee dorm. She laid down to go to sleep, but with everything that happened at once today, she couldn't sleep. The events of that night kept her awake until she could no longer fight against sleep.

Upon waking up, she knew everything was going to be different. It became clear that the other trainees found out the Dasom was going to be debuting for their attitudes towards her changed. The only ones who were still friendly were Yerim and Sooyoung.

Dasom found Yerim to be like a little sister. She helped her just like she helped her sister back home. If she couldn't sleep Dasom would stay up with her until she eventually did, she would help her with her homework the best she could. She hopes for the young girl and knew that she would be amazing.

SM quickly arranged for Dasom to be moved out of the trainee dorms and into a separate, more private one. It was quite small, only having room for a bed, a small closet for her belongings, a bathroom, and a desk which she stored her laptop and school books. Though she did appreciate the privacy and she felt more at ease now that wasn't trapped in a room with other people.

More meetings followed as they discussed her debut. One person pushed for her to be more of a vocalist while one pushed for her to be more of a rapper. They managed to decide on a hip-hop type of debut concept, but that was only the first step in a long line of decisions.

Dasom agreed to everything, but she only wanted one exception. She wanted to visit her brother's group video filming at least once, and she wanted to be there for their debut stage. She didn't want to miss it for the world for her brother was one of the people who she found most inspiring. Despite their petty sibling fights, she admired him a lot for how hard-working and determined he was. After all the lineup changes his group went through he still had a positive attitude.

The more time that passed, the more excited she got. She told Yoongi who told Namjoon and in turn told their parents. She got a call from her very excited mother and that made this whole struggle seem worth it. She was becoming a daughter her mother would be proud of.


	7. fat.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

Those three words repeated in her head nonstop as she hid in the practice wings bathroom. She ate lunch with Sooyoung that day, and at first, she felt fine but when she was alone she started to feel intense regret and disgust. She cried, almost being able to feel the food she ate transforming into more fat on her body.

She knew there was a way to get the food out of her body.

With shaky arms and legs, she wiped the tears from her eyes. She kneeled by the toilet, her mind racing at what she about to do. It was dangerous, but she couldn't take it. She wanted to be empty.

She closed her eyes and stuck two of her fingers as far back down her throat as she could. She could feel her body retch and gag as she did it over and over, desperate for the food to just leave her body. It worked, after a minute of her body trying to resist, she managed to vomit what she had eaten into the toilet.

She did it repeatedly until all that came up was foul-tasting bile. She flushed the toilet before she collapsed onto the floor. Her entire body shook and her head felt as if it was pounding. She didn't dare try and get up for she knew that she would just end up back where she was.

She hated the way she was. She hated that in just four months she had gone from not caring about her weight to throwing up one of the few meals she ate. She hated that no matter how much weight she lost she still looked the same or even bigger.

As she prepared for her debut she ate even less, sometimes going multiple days without eating. No one particularly noticed for she was always either in the practice room or the studio. She didn't want anyone to notice for she knew if they found out she would end up in some hospital and it terrified her.

She would be lying to say she wasn't scared to debut. The news had already come out about SM debuting a new soloist and there were already mixed reactions. She saw a lot of the comments — good and bad. Some were excited while some were less than enthusiastic, insulting her while demanding that SM not forget about f(x) or Girls Generation. There were already pictures of some trainees up on websites as people tried to debate who the soloist would be.

The attention the announcement alone gathered made her even more nervous and terrified. She wanted everything to be perfect. It had to be. Everyone's expectations were high since it was a big company and she didn't want to disappoint.

After the shakiness throughout her body finally subsided she made it back into the empty practice room. She picked up the remote off the floor and hit the play button before she tossed it back down. After a second her song Uh - Oh ! began playing, the hip hop type beat echoing around the room.

She lost count of how many times she ran through the song. She would keep going until she could no longer stand on her own feet then only giving herself 5 to 10 minutes to rest before she was up and practicing again. She did that from when she woke up until the early morning before she finally decided to go to bed.

She didn't even know how she made it home that night. Her body felt as if it would fall apart under its weight although she had lost even more. She all but collapsed onto her bed, her head throbbing in pain as she finally rested for the first time that night. She laid there with her eyes closed in an attempt to cease the blurriness in her vision.

Dasom could've fallen asleep right then and there if it wasn't for her cellphone ringing at 3 in the morning. With a somewhat audible groan, she rolled over, grabbing her phone off the small bedside table with shaky hands. She didn't bother to read who was calling, answering with a sleepy, "Hello?"

She heard Yoongi's deep chuckle on the other end of the line. "You sound like shit," his deep voice echoes over the phone.

"Well, hello to you too," she laughed. "But I do feel like shit so you're not wrong."

"Are you okay?"

She could hear the visible concern in his voice and it pained her. The truth, she wasn't okay, perhaps far from it. Still, she didn't want to worry him for she knew he had a lot coming up too. "I'm fine, trust me." If he wasn't convinced then he didn't say anything because he didn't mention it again, instead of talking about how BTS' debut preparation was coming.

She didn't know what time she exactly fell asleep or what time Yoongi had fallen asleep but she woke up to her usual morning alarms going off. She looked down at her phone, seeing that she was still on the line with him but instead of his voice it was light snores, signaling that he too had fallen asleep on the phone. With a smile, she decided to hang the phone up to let him sleep and eventually started getting ready for yet another day of practicing.


	8. no more dream.

Dasom found herself hunched over the toilet, throwing up her meals more often. It had essentially become a common occurrence when she wasn't able to skip meals. She got comments on her weight loss, but none of them sounded worried. Instead, they sounded almost proud of her, making comments here and there. Dasom knew that she shouldn't take it as a compliment, but that voice in her head told her she had to keep going and she wasn't doing enough.

Her debut music video was recently filmed, but SM decided they wanted to film a choreography version of the song. Her manager accompanied her to visit when she went to visit her brother's music video filming and after a discussion with the company, they decided to pay for half of the cost of the set if Dasom was able to film her video there. Bighit agreed, and so she ended up at the No More Dream set with her brother's entire group.

She hadn't met all of them officially before - the only members she was acquainted with were her brother, Hoseok, and Yoongi. The others she had met only briefly in a quick visit with her mom, but other than that she couldn't say she knew them. The set of the music video was hot, Dasom quickly finding herself sweating under the bright lights that illuminated the otherwise dark set. She was happy though for this shooting gave her a valid excuse to be around her boyfriend she hadn't seen in over a month, and secretly he was excited too.

His excitement didn't tone down his worry whenever he had seen her. If he thought the last time they were together she had lost a lot of weight, this time she had lost more. Her face, once somewhat round and soft, was a lot sharper and her thighs had all but disappeared. This time he took to pulling Namjoon aside to voice his worry.

They both kept their eyes on Dasom who was currently playing a game with a young, doe-eyed Jungkook. When they had first met he wasn't even able to look her in the eyes, but today proved that they were able to quickly bond and become friends. Upon looking at her Namjoon could see what his friend meant. After all, he had grown up with her and she always looked healthy but now she looked just one burst of wind from being knocked over.

When it was BTS turn to film Dasom was sitting in a chair, watching behind the cameras as they worked hard to film the boys. Occasionally they would need to do a quick reshoot, but other than those couple of times it seemingly went smooth. She loved watching it, feeling nothing but pride as she watched her brother - a leader of his group. She knew how much blood, sweat, and tears he poured into his work, and now he would finally be getting what he deserved the most.

SM and Bighit agreed on splitting the schedule with BTS filming for the first half and Dasom being able to film after lunch. Honestly, she could've shown up way later but she kept to her promise and showed up when they did. In the chair, she was visibly shivering despite the warmth in the room. One of the staff offered her a jacket which she gratefully accepted, pulling the fabric over her shoulders.

"Cut!" The director shouted before instructing the boys to all take a break. The seven of them let out a collective sigh of relief as they moved from the center of the stage to sit down and take a much-needed drink of water. Namjoon, however, had different plans in mind.

"Hey." He approached his sister, snapping her out of whatever world she was in. She visibly jumped before she realized who it was and she visibly relaxed.

"You all look great," she complimented.

Namjoon didn't acknowledge what she said. "We need to talk," he stated before he started making his way to the door that leads outside. Dasom let out an audible sigh before she got up out of her chair and followed him outside. She knew exactly where this conversation was going and she didn't want to have it - not now at least.

"Get on with it. I know what you're going to say," she sighed, running her fingers through her hair that the stylists had just finished working on.  
Namjoon cut to the chase. "Why are you not eating?" His tone was harsh but empathetic. Typical of him.

"I am-" she started, but he cut her off.

"No, you're not. Listen, Yoongi-hyung told me about what happened when you two went out that time. He told me about how you panicked about having to eat just a couple bites of fruit," He started, and Dasom was mentally kicking herself. Then again, she should've expected it eventually. "He's worried about you. He cares about you, and I do too. You're my little sister and I don't want you to see like this."

"Well, technically we were only born a few minutes apart," she joked, hoping to take some of the seriousness out of the air. It didn't work.

"Somi, I'm serious." Somi. The nickname had always been called her since they were little kids. His words hurt, but in her mind, she knew she couldn't stop. The thoughts that plagued her mind day and night wouldn't leave her alone no matter what she tried. They followed her like a shadow.

"Can we please have this conversation another time? Not bombarding me when we're both trying to film?" That was all she could say. She couldn't have that conversation there. Not now.  
"Fine," he reluctantly agreed. "But, we're still gonna talk about it one way or another."

Great. Namjoon was the last person she had planned on ever letting know and now he knew. She was mad at Yoongi, but she could understand from his point of view. He was only worried.  
The lunch break felt like hell. The staff bought them all rice and chicken so it was nothing too fancy. She sat cross-legged on the floor with the rest of BTS who were having a conversation between the bites of the food. Dasom stirred around the rice with her chopsticks, desperately not wanting to put any of the food past her lips. Yet she could feel the eyes of her brother watching her through his dark sunglasses so she knew should have to eat some of it. Nothing was holding her back from purging it after.

She ate slowly, taking drinks of water in between bites. Yoongi had sat next to her, no doubt to make sure she at least at something before it was her turn to film. She joined in with the conversation the boys were having, laughing easily with them. Eventually, she got to the point she physically couldn't make herself eat anymore. She tried to push off the sick feeling as long as she could, but it didn't last long.

"I'll be right back," she mumbled, suddenly rising from her spot on the floor. No one batted an eye as she all but ran for the bathroom, unable to take the feeling of the food just sitting in her stomach anymore.

She locked the door and double-checking that it was locked. If someone walked in on her in the middle of it she believes that she would die. Without hesitation, she dropped onto her knees in front of the toilet and it was almost as if her body knew exactly what was coming. She hurriedly pushed two of her fingers in the back of her throat and her body reacted almost instantly, a horrible retching sound coming out of her throat that she prayed wasn't loud enough to hear.

After her third try, it was a success as she managed to vomit back up the small amount of chicken and rice she ate easily thanks to the copious amount of water she drank in between. She did it a couple more times in an attempt to make sure that all of the leftover calories were out of her body. She could've cried right there if it wasn't for the fact she didn't want to ruin the stylist's makeup.

After a minute she flushed the toilet and managed to push her body to her feet. She washed her hands twice, wanting to rid of any evidence that she was just in here forcibly vomiting up the food she had eaten. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and she could just see how awful she looked. Purging always wiped her of her energy but sometimes it was the only way.

"Mina!"

It was a staff member calling her name. The stage name that SM had given her after going through a wide lift of options. She didn't hate it. She found it pretty, but she knew the only reason they would be calling for her was that lunch was over and it was her turn to film.

With a sigh, she exited the safe confinement of the bathroom and returned to where everyone else was. She hoped they wouldn't notice despite the fact her entire body was shaking and she looked opposite to how she did before they took off.

Immediately she was sat down in a chair as the stylist worked to quickly redo her hair and any last touches on her makeup. They worked quickly as the set was quickly rearranged to give more room in the center for Dasom and the few background dancers that SM had hired for the performances. As the stylists finished she was quickly ushered to the middle of the set, ready to film and she felt less than enthusiastic.


	9. out.

The whole filming process felt like a blur to her. She just followed the instructions of the director, her brain acting almost on autopilot as the music started and stopped. She did her best to focus on what she had to do but her mind was somewhere else. She panicked about the camera, worrying about how everyone would see how fat she was once the video came out.

"Cut!"

She let out a sigh as the camera stopped rolling, a feeling of relief flooding through her body. Immediately the stylist ran up to her, retouching her makeup and fixing her hair. All she wanted to do was sit down, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to for a little while longer. One of the staff brought her a bottle of water which she gratefully accepted, twisting the cap off and bring the cool bottle to her mouth, trying not to smudge the lipstick.

After the minute break, all the background dancers and Dasom were back on the set. Her head was pounding and every so often a feeling of nausea swept through her body to the point she thought she was gonna be sick even though there was virtually nothing in her stomach. Her body felt more in pain than it ever had but she ignored it, hoping to be able to last until she was able to be in the comfort of her room.

"Alright," the director's voice boomed. "We're gonna start from the beginning and hopefully make it to the end straight through." Dasom groaned internally, but nonetheless, she didn't complain - not out loud at least.

She quickly replaced the look on her face as the record scratched at the beginning of the song blasted from the speakers. BTS was behind the cameras, some were watching while the others were having a quiet conversation with each other. Dasom kept her mind on the music, doing her best to make sure the choreography was right, lip-syncing so it at least looked like she was singing the words.

As they hit the second chorus, Dasom didn't know what happened. One second she was dancing and then a wave of dizziness hit her out of nowhere. Her vision quickly faded and she could barely feel her body suddenly drop to the floor. She heard some shouting and felt a pair of hands on her back she couldn't recognize. She could hear talking but everything was so out of focus she couldn't understand what anyone was saying.

They slowly lifted her from the ground, but she could barely lift her feet up to walk. Her entire body was shaking as they rushed her as quickly as they could into a separate room where they laid her on the floor. She opened her eyes and was able to make out the figures of her brother, Yoongi, her manager, and someone she believed to be one of the staff.

The staff woman sat down beside her and spoke with a soft, soothing voice. "Dasom, you're gonna be alright, okay? I just need you to tell me what happened."

"I don't know," she made out. "One second I was fine and then I got really lightheaded and I can't remember after that. Everything was just kind of a blur." In a way, Dasom was lying. She knew why but she couldn't remember what all happened, and there was no way she was going to admit what she was doing.

"Alright, well, I talked to your manager and she and I both agreed that when you're back on your feet you're going to be going just straight home. That means no practicing for the rest of the day either because you need to rest. Your brother is going to be staying with you tonight to make sure of that too."

Fuck. 

She usually relied on practicing any time something was wrong and now she couldn't even do that. Plus, she knew her brother would watch her like a hawk or call their parents if he hadn't already. Possibly both. She just agreed for she knew that she had no way of being able to get out of it.

The ride back to her dorm was quiet. Neither Dasom nor her brother dared to speak until they were inside, and she knew that he would mention what had happened. When they made it inside he still didn't say a word. Instead, he went immediately towards the kitchen and Dasom knew what was about to happen again. He came back with one of the protein bars that she had in the kitchen and without a word he handed it to her.

She grabbed it in her hands but all she could do was stare at it. 300 calories. It wouldn't seem like a lot but to her, that was more than she sometimes would eat in a day. "Eat it." That was the first time he had spoken to her since they arrived. "At least just take one bite, please." She could hear the pleading in his voice, but she knew if she ate it there would be little to no chance for her to even consider purging it which added to the panic that had long set in.

She slowly unwrapped the wrapper and hesitantly bit a chunk of it off. It sat heavily in her mouth and she would give anything to just be able to spit it out but she knew she wouldn't be able to. To appease her brother she chewed it and swallowed before taking another bite. Her stomach growled embarrassingly loud and at that point, she just wanted to curl up under her blankets and disappear.

"You know what I'm gonna say so I'm not going to repeat myself," he started and she began mentally preparing for the lecture that she was about to receive. "You can't keep doing what you're doing and if you go any farther I'm gonna have to tell mom. I know you don't want me to, but we're all worried about you."

Dasom didn't know at what point she had started to cry, but she wiped the tear from her cheek. Her brother was only looking out for her, but why did she feel so bad? She could handle what was going on herself. "Can I just go take a shower?" She didn't wait for his next words before she was up and grabbing a towel before locking herself in the bathroom.

She turned the water on but she didn't get in. Instead, she was considering whether or not she would get away with throwing up the protein bar she ate. She prayed that the running water was loud enough as she wasted no time, ending up in her usual spot. One of her hands gripped the porcelain bowl to steady herself while the other was down her throat. It came up harder than other foods, her throat burning after.

She took the shower she told her brother she was going to. She stood under the boiling hot water, the water relaxing against her aching body. She didn't stay in there long so she hurried up and washed her hair before she was turning the water off and drying herself off. She changed into her pajamas which were just a simple t-shirt that was too big for her and a pair of sweatpants.

Namjoon laid on the couch while Dasom curled up in her bed. She texted Yoongi who had been texting her and Namjoon since she left the set earlier that day, worried about her and just wanting to make sure that she was ok. She fell asleep earlier than she wanted to, keeping a tight grip on her cherished stuffed bear.


	10. soup.

She didn't know how long she slept that night, but she felt like she could've slept longer no matter how long. She woke up to the sunlight coming through the spaces between her blinds and two male voices she distinctly recognized as Namjoon and Yoongi's. She could hear bits and pieces of the good-hearted conversation they were having, the two occasionally sharing a laugh here and there.

She eventually sat up in the bed, checking her phone to see what time it was. Noon. She had slept for almost 15 hours. Both the boys turned their attention towards her, Yoongi coming over to make sure she was okay before sitting on the bed next to her. "I'm fine," she laughed, resting her head lightly on his shoulder for she didn't want to cause him any pain.

"Your manager came over here while you were asleep. She said that today you can just stay here and rest, but tomorrow you're gonna be back to working on stuff. Yoongi-hyung wanted to stay here with you today, so he's gonna be here instead," Namjoon listed, Dasom just nodding along. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm gonna be fine, I promise. Just go and get some rest," She reassured him. He gave the pair one final look before he went out the door and down to the car that was outside to take him back to their dorms.

"How are you feeling?" Yoongi asked, pulling her almost into his lap so they could both lay down.

"Better," she answered, playing with his fingers as she looked up at him. "I slept for a while so that definitely helped. Is your manager okay with you being here today with debut stuff and all?"

"He was against it at first, but I don't care," he shrugged. "I love music, but you're just as important." He placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head as he pulled her tighter into his chest.

She could've stayed like that forever. She wished she could. For possibly the first time since she signed a contract with SM, she felt almost at peace. The tv provided them with some entertainment as they went through the channels, pointing out one thing before they went looking again. They eventually chose some random movie that at least looked decent enough.

After a while of them laying there, Yoongi suddenly stood up. "Come on." Dasom didn't get to say a word before he took her hand, dragging her into the kitchen, and sitting her down in a chair. "You're going to eat something today, I don't care how small as long as it's something," he paused for a moment. "And you're not going to the bathroom immediately afterward either." Dasom's heart jumped in her chest.

She didn't think he knew. How did he know? Did Namjoon hear her last night and then tell him? Did he hear her at the set yesterday when she ran off? Her mind raced and she forgot what she was even in the kitchen for until a small bowl of soup was placed in front of her. Yoongi sat in the chair next to her, his eyes diverting between her, the soup, and back again.

"I know that you've been making yourself sick."

There it is.

She opened her mouth to speak but Yoongi didn't let her. "I went to check on you after you ran off yesterday and I heard you in the bathroom, and Namjoon told me that he heard you last night too after you said you were going to take a shower." She was speechless. She didn't know at what point she had started to cry, but she wiped a tear off her cheek but it was soon replaced by more.

"I'm sorry." That was all she could say. She didn't know what else to say. She could feel Yoongi pulling her into another hug, but this time it felt different. It was more like he was protecting her - protecting her from all the bad thoughts that plagued her mind and sent her into a downward spiral. She gripped his shirt, all of the tears and emotions she had bottled up all coming out at that moment.

Yoongi didn't say a word. He sat there, letting her cry for he knew how it was. He knew what it was like to have to hide all your emotions, never having anyone who would listen to you. He knew what it was like to never have anyone to comfort you while it felt like you were drowning in yourself and your thoughts. Nobody had been there for him while his depression and anxiety were at their worst so he wanted to be there for her so she didn't feel so alone.

Seeing her in this state pained him. He knew her for years and in such a short time she went from the quiet but outgoing person he met to someone who didn't even look like herself. He wanted to help her, but honestly, he didn't know exactly how. So, he did what he knew how to do and comforted her because he knew that was what was important.

Her cries eventually died into little sniffles before nothing at all. She eventually pulled away before her eyes were once again fixed on the bowl of soup. "Even if you just take one bite I'll be happy." One bite. She could do that. She grabbed the spoon, circling it in the soup for a second put a spoonful of soup in her mouth, and swallowed before she could have any second thoughts.

She could feel the warmth of the soup spread throughout her ice-cold body. Her stomach growled embarrassingly loud, showing just how hungry she was. So, she took another spoonful of the soup and eventually ate the soup until the bowl was empty. She hated the feeling of a full stomach, but it was anything to make Yoongi happy, and judging by the smile on his face he was very happy.

He was happy. He knew how what she was going through worked, and that this was a very big step in a long journey.


	11. mcountdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she gets fucked towards the bottom its not descriptive bc wattpad sucks sorry

Dasom had never been behind the scenes at a music show before. Today was her first time at one for she promised her brother that she would be there for their debut stage. They were lucky to have gotten the Mcountdown stage, having gotten it because someone dropped out last minute. They all wore different styles of black and gold, meant to resemble Versace, all of them styled to look tough even though they were far from it.

Dasom's debut was scheduled for next month, SM still not having picked the exact date, but they assured her it was next month. They did live up to their promise of letting her attend BTS's debut stage which was where she currently was, watching as the stylists made last-minute touchups to their hair, eyeliner, and outfits. Yoongi didn't show how nervous he was but the tight grip he had on Dasom's hand proved more than enough.

"You all are gonna do great. I believe in you," she encouraged, placing a kiss on his cheek before the stylists swatted her away. 

"BTS, you're on in five minutes."

Everyone began their last-minute preparations, any choreography they felt wasn't perfect or rehearsing a part in the song even though they knew the lyrics to heart. The group of seven was ushered out of the small room, down a couple of hallways, and onto the dark stage. They quickly got into position on the stage as the MCs were still talking before they eventually introduced the next group.

Dasom watched backstage with wide eyes, a black mask covering her face as a requirement from SM. She watched as they performed part of We Are Bulletproof with such passion it amazed her. As soon as the first song stopped and the stage briefly went dark she could make out their figures rushing to get into position for their next song, No More Dream.

The smile on her face never left as she watched their performance. Though they were just rookies they performed with the talent of a group who had been on the stage for years. She was proud of all of them, especially Jimin who had nearly been kicked out of the group just the day before. She did feel bad for him. Many people in the agency didn't think he would do well considering his heavy background in modern dance. He was bound to struggle with the idol choreography but Dasom knew just by looking at him that he was an amazing dance. 

Dasom really admired all of BTS, especially young Jungkook who was only fifteen yet full of many extraordinary talents that it was impossible to name. She really grew close with the boy and he went from being able to not even look at her to trust her enough to cry to her the night before due to an overwhelming feeling of nervousness and homesickness. Jimin, however, she felt so proud of. She knew that he had the least amount of training time and his modern dance background made idol choreographies confusing to him, but he still did it even if it meant he stayed at the practice room later than everyone else.

The group was ushered off the stage, each of them adorning smiles as the rush of the stage was coursing through their veins. Yoongi immediately finds Dasom who was also looking through the crowd of people for him. She eventually found him by the black beanie that was on his head. She ran towards him, apologizing to people in a hurry as she reached up, grabbing him into a hug which he quickly reciprocated.

"Did you like it?" 

"I loved it," she replied, pulling her mask down off her face so she could press a kiss on his lips. Yoongi wasn't one for skinship, much less in public, but at that point he didn't care about any of that at the moment so he kissed her back, his hand caressing her cheek.

"I'm gonna go get changed and then I'll be back, okay?" He breathed as he pulled away, his heart beating out of his chest for multiple reasons.

He all but ran to get changed into his more casual clothes instead of the layers of clothes he had on. The rest of the boys headed back to the dorm while Yoongi informed them he was going with Dasom and would be back later that night. They shouted jokes at him as they went in separate directions and he met back up with her and they both hurried outside to the car that was taking Dasom back to her dorms.

The tension between them the ride home was different than Dasom had experienced before, aside from with her ex-girlfriend years ago. His hand that slowly made its way up her thigh caused her cheeks to flush red and she was surprised the driver didn't notice, but if he did he didn't make it noticeable.

She felt like the walk to her dorm was longer than it had ever been, unable to think straight even as she struggled to unlock the door. She finally got the door opened and the moment the door was closed she was pushed against the door, his mouth on hers. He pressed kisses down her neck, leaving marks she knew she would have to cover up or else she would get murdered by her manager.

His hands traveled wherever they could, taking in all the curves of her body before grabbing her ass and lifting her up so her legs straddled his hips. He all but threw her on the bed where she quickly took her shirt off, tossing it on the floor, Yoongi quickly following suit. Neither of them could think straight, the events of the prior performance and the car ride overriding everything but all they knew was that fuck, they wanted each other.

Dasom was no stranger to sex, having hooked up with a guy at her school once or twice. Then she and her ex-girlfriend had fucked multiple times without either of their parents knowing even though they did suspect but didn't say anything. Yoongi was different though. Nobody had eaten her out as good as he had, bringing her to orgasm faster than anyone ever had. She didn't know how she didn't get some sort of noise complaint as he fucked her as hard as she wanted to the point all she could think about how good his cock felt inside of her. At one point in an attempt to silence her, he wrapped his hand around her throat which only amplified how good it felt with him.

"You look fucked," he laughed as he finally sat up in the bed, his chest still heaving.

"Yeah, I wonder why." She lightly pushed him to which he responded by pulling her into his bare chest, not releasing her. Her hair, which was previously straightened and looked decent was now a hot mess as a result of his pulling -- not that she didn't find that hot -- and blush was still high on her cheeks.

They laid like that for a while until the cum between her legs started to dry and it felt gross and she went to go take a shower while Yoongi changed the bedding that had been soiled. She came out in a pair of shorts and one of his shirts she had stolen awhile ago, drying her hair with her towel. Yoongi took a shower after her, cleansing himself of the sticky sheen of sweat that covered his body.

Dasom wished he didn't have to go, but she knew he had to. BTS had more music show performances, and she was gonna have to go back to practicing and getting all the final touches ready for her debut. She hated it, but she knew that was what came with being and dating an idol.

"I love you," she murmured, pressing a soft kiss on his lips as it was finally the time he had to leave.

"I love you too," he smiled, returning the kiss before he opened the door. Those words felt right to him. They were a big promise, one he sometimes didn't know if he would be able to keep.


	12. hot debut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cat yoongi agenda

Dasom wouldn't say that she had fully recovered -- just that she was too busy for the thoughts to enter her brain. Yoongi called her as regularly as he could, and one of the staff members would constantly be checking on her per her brother's request. Her debut got closer by the day which terrified her but also had her feeling excited to be able to share what she had practiced so long on with the world.

Yoongi was there backstage with her like she was for him. He offered words of encouragement, but his presence alone was enough to calm her nerves. A lot of people were anticipating her debut, her teasers garnering a lot of attention on social media and even trended on the news homepage for a couple of days. Everyone had high expectations for someone to debut under The Big Three, especially considering that the last major female soloist they had debuted was BoA.

One of the stylists was running around her, curling iron in hand while one in front of her was doing last-minute touchups to her makeup which wasn't too extravagant considering her concept but still suited her face. Yoongi was dressed casually, a mask on his face but pulled down to his chin, his hair freshly washed. He sat on the couch, laughing as she made a face as eyeshadow powder got in her eyes.

Dasom kept her eyes on the screen that was placed in the room, watching as other groups like Infinite, Beast, and F(x) performed their songs. She loved watching the different styles of each group, her brain analyzing the choreography and the footwork. Dasom received many good luck wishes from her fellow SM artists like Shinee, F(x), and Girls Generation and she truly felt honored for all of them, especially Girls Generation, which was a big inspiration for her.

Apink was finishing up their performance was the cue for Dasom and all of the backup dancers to start moving towards the stage. The stage went black and Apink were ushered off the stage. The MCs were joking on a separate stage as people rushed to get the stage ready for Dasom, getting the props where they were supposed to be. Dasom and the background dancers were quickly positioned on the stage as the MCs finished up their introduction.

"Now, we're pretty sure you all heard the news and are very excited! Today, we welcome a hot debut -- Mina!" Some of the audience erupted into applause as the camera panned onto the stage that quickly lit up, revealing Dasom in the center.

The rush that Dasom felt as the cheers subsided was indescribable. All eyes were on her as she gave it her all, every part of the dance from beginning to end flowed throughout her body, her mouth rapping and singing every word with ease. She performed the dance break with no problem, almost perfectly in sync with the background dancers that worked just as hard as her to deliver an amazing performance. Some of the audience members shouted her fanchant which filled her with such pride.

The song came to an end and the audience below erupted into cheers and applause. Dasom smiled wide, bowing to the audience as she expressed her gratitude the best she could before she had to run off the stage so they could get ready for the last performer, EXO. She barely made it backstage before she was bombarded with words of congratulations from staff members and even people from other groups.

She went back to her dressing room where Yoongi was, a smile on his face as she walked back in the door, rather hot and sweaty and not in a good way. He walked towards her, pulling her into a hug as constant words of praise left his mouth. She laughed, but she truly did appreciate his words for they meant so much to her. She sat down on the couch with a bottle of water in hand as she allowed herself to cool down before she had to be out there for the first place award even though she wouldn't even be able to be nominated.

The awards part of the show was what took forever in Dasom's opinion. All of the performing artists were on the stage, bright lights shining above them as the MCs gave brief introductions for each song. The three artists nominated for first place all stood upfront while the rest were in a giant group slightly farther back. Confetti shot out from below the stage as it was announced that Beast won the award that night, and soon enough all the idols were retreating to their dressing rooms so they could change and go home.

She felt relieved to change, finding the outfit she had to wear hot and uncomfortable even though she would admit it was cute. She changed into jeans and a shirt, not bothering with her hair and makeup, deciding to leave it how it was. She started walking outside to where she thought the SM company car was, but Yoongi was pulling her in a different direction and refused to tell her where they were going no matter how many times she asked.

"Get in." That was all Yoongi said as they approached a different car which only made Dasom ever more curious.

"Please tell me where you're taking me," she begged.

"Fine," Yoongi chuckled. "We're going on our real first date -- not meeting up at your dorm or at mine where there's barely enough room for us to take a step and we can't spend any time together without there being some sort of noise. The last time we went out properly was when we got coffee that time and went to the park."

Dasom hadn't even really noticed she and Yoongi hadn't had a proper first date. The times they were together mainly consisted of him coming over at the late hours, some nights they would end up having sex and some times they didn't, and him leaving again since he had promotions and practice the next day. Other than that they mainly talked on the phone -- though, sometimes it was just they had each other on speaker while Yoongi was in the studio and Dasom was practicing until the late hours of the night.

"It better not be anything super fancy, because I'm dressed like shit and I'm honestly happy to sit and watch Jimin and Taehyung mess with each other," she replied to which Yoongi laughed at for he knew that those two could get really entertaining at times.

"It's not anything expensive or fancy," he started. "However, I do think it's somewhere you haven't been and I'll really like it."

Dasom was confused whenever the car parked outside of a quaint-looking building. It looked cozy, nestled in between two larger buildings. The lights were on, but it looked empty aside from a person inside behind the counter. Yoongi all but pulled her inside and she was still confused until she walked in the door and she saw a fluffy black cat rub through her legs. Yoongi took her to a cat café.

They ordered coffees and sat down, a different cat than before jumping up this time, rubbing on Yoongi's elbow. Dasom loved it -- aside from frogs, cats were one of her favorite animals, and she had only mentioned that to Yoongi maybe once so she was surprised he even remembered. They each sipped on their coffees, petting a cat as they walked by as they pleased, one of them even falling asleep right next to Yoongi, who now that she looked at him more, kind of resembled a cat.

As far as first dates go, Dasom loved theirs. She loved the intimacy of small, family-owned places, and she definitely loved the cats. Most of all she loved Yoongi, and how thoughtful he was to even remember the slightest details of things she had mentioned. The night went amazing and she was sad that it had to end, but he insisted she go home and get some rest before her next performance tomorrow.


	13. first win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not happy w this chapter but its like 1 am and im tired and i didn't want to procrastinate on this chapter anymore so

Dasom's debut did better than anyone, even Dasom herself, had thought it would. After her debut performance, she ended up trending on Naver for days and she got close to three million views in twenty-four hours. The night after her debut and her date with Yoongi she spent close to an hour on the phone with her parents who, as they had done to Namjoon, spent most of the time screaming about how proud they were of her.

The promotions for Uh - Oh we're almost done as she only had 2 more music show performances scheduled before they were over. Tonight, she was scheduled to be on Inkigayo and the sudden increase of her streams and sales meant she would be nominated for first place that night. She was going up against EXO, a group from her own company whose newest song Growl was dominating basically every single chart. It was going to be a tight competition that night due to the popularity of each of the songs.

For her performance that night her hair was slightly curled, and her outfit wasn't over the top for that night. She was dressed in baggy jeans, a leopard print tube top, and white tennis shoes and she was glad that her outfit was comfortable for that night. Her nerves died down after the first couple of performances, now she felt more confident than she did the first night. She did occasionally glance at the comments, scared for what she would be there, all that she saw were comments praising her and her skills. 

They equipped with a headset mic for that night instead of her usual handheld one which made it easier for her to do the choreography but the microphone on the side of her head was easily distracting and it bobbled whenever she moved. The group that was performing before her left the stage and the show went into a commercial break which allowed time for the stage to get set up for her performance and do any additional touches to her or any of the background dancers' makeup.

The camera zoomed in on the two MCs as they welcomed the show back and began the introduction for Dasom. The crowd cheered loudly for her the lights on the stage lit up, revealing Dasom on the stage. The song began and almost immediately the crowd burst into a loud mix of the fanchant and cheers, lightsticks of many different groups shaking back and forth as they cheered for she didn't have her own one just yet.

Her performance went by in a flash and before she knew it the crowd was cheering for her as the song ended and the camera zoomed in for one last close up which she smiled for despite trying to catch her breath. She waved goodbye to the crowd of people as she quickly left the stage so they could get ready for the performance after her. 

Dasom waited in her dressing room for the rest of the performances, going in between texting Yoongi and Namjoon who were watching at their dorm and watching the other groups' performances on the screen. Some of them she couldn't really care for, but she didn't really have anything else to do until it was time for the awards. She wished it was time for the awards because it was getting late and she honestly just wanted to sleep.

Eventually, the last group finished their stage and all the idols were gathered onto the stage for the awards. Dasom, EXO, and f(X) all stood up at the front as they were all nominated for first place. She found it somewhat funny how all the nominees that week were all SM artists. They were all able to strike up an easy conversation, Dasom talking with Sehun from EXO who was only maybe five months older than her.

The chatter amongst the large group of people died down as the MCs took their spot in the middle of the winners, announcing all three of the nominees that night for the people watching at home. Then all the attention was focused on the big screen above them which displayed all three songs and started counting all the points that each song had accumulated for that voting period. As expected, f(X) accumulated close to six-thousand points and everyone watched as Dasom and EXO were neck and neck as it seemed that the numbers wouldn't stop.

Dasom expected EXO to win, after all, they were a bigger group than her and Growl was a huge hit -- you couldn't go anywhere without hearing it played. She was thoroughly surprised when EXO's numbers eventually stopped, and then maybe a second later so did hers. Her name was on the big screen, meaning that she had actually won.

Confetti exploded at the announcement, making her jump, as the audience erupted into cheers while some were groans of disappointment that EXO didn't win. She was handed a microphone and the trophy, and all she could do was laugh in disbelief because it truly didn't feel real to her even though she knew that it was.

"Hi," she started, not even knowing where to begin. "I really didn't expect this, but I want to say thank you to everyone who listened to my song. I worked really hard on it and it's worth it to know that people enjoy it even more than I thought they would. I would also like to thank my brother who is currently watching this at home. Without you, I really don't even know how I would be on this stage -- you're one of my biggest inspirations so I truly owe this award to you." At some point, she felt tears start to fall down her face, somewhat ruining her makeup, but she didn't care and didn't stop talking for she had one person to thank. "One more person I would personally like to thank for this is someone really special to me and I know he's watching this right now. I just want to say thank you with my entire heart for without you I don't know how I would even be on this stage. I won't say your name, but you know who you are, and I just want to say that I love you so much."

With that, she wiped the tears from her eyes as members from different groups congratulated her. Sulli from f(X) came up to her, pulling her in for a long hug which made the audience aww, some shouting at her to please not cry which did make her laugh some. Her tears did eventually stop as she made it off the stage and back to her dressing room where she changed out of her performance outfit and helped the staff put the things away even though they insisted she didn't need to.

She could barely step foot into her dorm before her phone started ringing, and she didn't know who it was gonna be -- Yoongi, Namjoon, or her mom. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, answering and putting it on speaker as she threw it onto the bed so she could change into her pajamas. "Hello?" She shouted from her closet, grabbing any random shirt she could find.

"Hey," Yoongi's deep voice came over the phone, a little rougher and wavier than usual. "I'm so proud of you, I can't believe you won."

"I couldn't believe it either -- I still can't," she replied, pulling on a pair of shorts before she retreated to her bed. "Did you hear what I said on there? In my speech?"

"Yeah, Namjoon was next to me so he heard it too. I think he started crying a bit too," he joked which made Dasom laugh. "But I also heard what you said about me, and I want to say that I love you, too." She could hear the smile in his voice and those four words made her feel tingly and happy.

They talked for a little while longer until Yoongi made note of how tired she was and forced her to hang up so she could fall asleep. She complained, loving the sound of his voice, and found it relaxing just listening to him talk. However, he hung up after he wished her goodnight despite her complaints. She fell asleep not long after he hung up, the tiredness in her body too hard to fight.


	14. if i ruled the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw / nsfw
> 
> they fuck in the studio

After her promotions for Uh - Oh ended, Dasom got a slight break before SM wanted to jump right in with her comeback. During that time she mainly spent it asleep or writing song lyrics in her notebook she would probably never release, nor would SM probably let her release them. She developed a passion for music quite young -- while her brother was definitely the smart one, she was the more artistic one of the pair. However, being twins meant they were always compared no matter the subject.

She spent her small break rotating between working on producing songs for the mini-album she was due to release early next year, checking in on Yoongi as he had a habit of ignoring his basic needs to work in the studio for long hours at a time especially as BTS was releasing a new album soon, and resting as much as she could. She would stop by the Bighit Building every so often when she could, bringing Yoongi food she knew he liked and bottles of water. Sometimes she would stay in there with him, laying on the black couch they kept in the small room as he would work late almost every night.

One particular night, Yoongi was getting frustrated. No matter what he changed or what he added, the song just wouldn't sound like the vision he had in mind. He wanted to give up, to ask Namjoon or Hoseok for advice and pick it back up in the morning, but he knew he couldn't. It resulted in him sitting in that dark room for hours, his back aching from how long he had sat there. He didn't know what time it was nor did he bother to check.

He barely acknowledged the door to the studio opening and closing, followed by soft footsteps that got closer, and a takeout container placed next to him along with water. "Hey," the voice of his girlfriend greeted, standing next to him, looking at the computer in front of him. "You okay?"

"This song," Yoongi sighed, running his hands through his black hair. "I've tried everything and it just won't sound right."

"Can I hear it?"

Dasom pulled up a chair next to him as Yoongi hit play before sitting back in his chair. To her, the sound sounded great as it was, but to Yoongi it had to be perfect. The song opened to Taehyung's vocals, a beautiful deep sound that resonated throughout the studio, and then went into Namjoon's rap. She listened to the song, making mental notes, trying to see what Yoongi was seeing, and put herself in his shoes.

"Well," Dasom began as the song ended. "In the beginning, I would layer the vocals instead of having just Taehyung to create a nice harmony." They went like that for the next couple hours, each of them going back and forth with their ideas until the song met Yoongi's standards to which he did a sigh of relief, a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders.

He pulled her into his lap, resting his head on her chest, feeling the vibrations of her body as she laughed. "Are you tired?" She asked, to which he nodded without uttering a word.

"Come on, you're going to bed," she said, starting to get up but Yoongi kept his arms wrapped around her so she couldn't move off his lap. Instead, his hands moved to instead grab the soft flesh of her ass much to her surprise. "Did you want to go to bed or did you just want to grab my ass?" 

"I missed you," he whined, his soft lips pressing kisses from her chest up to her neck, her eyes fluttering shut at the sensation. "Missed you so much. Been so stressed lately I haven't been able to ever see you."

Dasom hummed, grinding her hips into his hardening cock, a groan passing his lips at the sensation. Before Yoongi could think, Dasom was climbing off his lap, and instead got down on her knees between his legs. His eyes widened, looking down to meet hers and noticed the mischievous look she had in her eyes. Her hands got to work, pulling his sweatpants and underwear down just enough so she could let his cock spring free.

"You don't -" he started, his words quickly dying in his mouth as she wrapped her hand tightly around his cock, stroking him up and down at a leisurely pace.

"Want to help you." That was all she said before she replaced her hand with her mouth, licking a stripe up the underside of his cock before taking her in his mouth. Yoongi could have combusted right then and there.

She slowly bobbed her head, pushing him as far as he would go until he hit the back of her throat, making her gag. His hands immediately went into her hair, pulling it and making her moan, the vibrations drawing a groan from his mouth. She bobbed her head faster, loving the sounds that spewed explicitly from his lips. "Fuck, please don't stop," he begged, his eyes rolling back in his head, but Dasom had no plans on stopping.

It wasn't long before Yoongi could feel the familiar tightening in his abdomen, a warning of his coming orgasm. Dasom knew by the way that his hips bucked into her mouth and the filthy words and promises that came out of his lips that he was close and it only motivated her further. She would go between holding him as far back in her throat as he could, hollowing out her cheeks, to moving her head up and down, the noises easily filling the small studio.

"C-close," he warned, but Dasom didn't let up and it instead motivated her even more. "Fuck." That was all he was able to get out before his orgasm hit him like a truck. Dasom didn't let up, milking his cock as much as she could before pulling her mouth off of him, swallowing what he had released into her mouth. Fuck, he found that hot.

After he managed to catch his breath, he wasted no time in hoisting Dasom up to sit on the desk, pushing the keyboard aside. His mouth moved desperately against hers, his hands roaming everywhere and wherever they could. He got rougher with every passing second, and Dasom loved it. He hurriedly pushed her skirt up to her hips, pulling her underwear off which such force she was worried he ripped them.

He wasted no time in pushing his already hard cock inside her, instantly groaning at just how tight and wet she was around him. He gave Dasom a second before he started fucking into her at a fast pace, making her cry out, and at that point, she was lucky that the studio was soundproof for the sounds that echoed around the studio were sinful, to say the least.

Dasom couldn't think straight as he didn't let up once, if anything he was going faster and harder -- if that was even possible. She loved the absolute filth he whispered in her ear for it turned her on even more. It wasn't long before she felt her own orgasm building inside her, and Yoongi could tell because of the way she got tighter around his cock and her noises grew higher in pitch. Despite having cum not long ago he could feel his second orgasm forming faster than his first.

It took a few more powerful thrusts before Dasom was thrown over the edge, her noises reaching their peak as her orgasm racked her entire body. Yoongi followed not long after, pushing in her as far as he could as he spilled rope after rope of his cum inside her. She rested her head on his shoulder as she came down from her high, her chest heaving. Yoongi was gentle with her, laying them both down on the couch afterward.

"Are you tired now?" Dasom asked as Yoongi pulled her closer.

He only nodded, already closing his eyes. "Do you not want to sleep in your bed?" She asked, but he shook his head, mumbling something about how he was too tired to walk to it which made Dasom roll her eyes. Nonetheless, Yoongi fell asleep and Dasom fell asleep not long after him, both of them curled up on the couch.


	15. rushed.

Dasom's release schedule was packed as full as it could get. Not long after her debut, she was already practicing for a comeback single. Then as soon as her promotions ended, she was already learning the choreography for the title track for a mini-album, and she didn't get even a break for a day before she was already preparing for a full album. For the entirety of that year, it felt as if she spent it all preparing for a comeback after comeback without break.

All of the releases were big successes for the company, gaining many streams, sales, and thousands of new fans. However, things at SM quickly turned into a panic as two scandals broke out at the same time. Dispatch managed to get pictures of Dasom and Yoongi together, and the article blew up. Both of their companies were quick to confirm the news, but that didn't stop Dasom from getting most of the hate. Articles about her were quickly filled with nasty comments that Dasom couldn't help to avoid.

Then, not long after, it was announced that Sulli would be going on a hiatus, and that brought a lot of attention to SM as a whole. So, the reasonable thing that the company decided to do was move the debut of their new group Red Velvet forward, rushing the entire process of their debut. The group was originally supposed to be a four-group member, but due to f(X) now being four members, SM made the hasty decision of adding Dasom to the lineup last minute.

She was happy to be reunited with Joohyun again, but that was overpowered by the constant stress thrown upon Dasom to learn the lyrics to Happiness and the choreography in such a short amount of time. Her hair was dyed brown fading into a red to match the others with her representative color.

Positions within the group were a big discussion. All the positions were established, Dasom being the main rapper, lead dancer, and sub vocalist. The only position left to discuss was a leader. The debate came down to Dasom and Joohyun for Dasom had already debuted once and was experienced, but Joohyun was the oldest amongst the five girls. The two agreed that neither of them cared who got it for each pushed that the other deserved it more. It ultimately came down to Lee Sooman who ended up choosing Dasom as the group's leader.

Dasom didn't know how to feel about the group as a whole. She loved the members, but the debut concept felt so out of place to her for she was used to doing more dark, girl crush concepts. Now, she was suddenly pushed into a bright summer concept wearing an ill-fitting, awkward cheerleader outfit that didn't even match.

Dasom resumed her long nights in the practice room for the group was scheduled to debut next month and she had only been informed of her addition maybe a week ago. She used practicing as a way to ignore the hurtful and disgusting comments made about her online, not wanting to see the huge influx of comments calling her a variety of names or calling her fat for she had been doing good for the last year and she was doing everything in her power not to relapse.

She wasn't able to see Yoongi as much since that article about them came out, their contact being resorted to phone calls every so often. BTS was releasing their first full album that month anyway so all of Yoongi's attention was focused on his group, and all of Dasom's attention was focused on hers. Dasom never had the time to do anything she remotely liked for she would go to bed well past midnight and wake up early in the morning to repeat the vicious cycle over again.

Dasom was so exhausted to the point she was surprised her body didn't completely give out in the middle of her practice with the choreographer. She was so busy genuinely forgot to eat, but she couldn't tell her brother or Yoongi for they wouldn't hesitate to have someone check on her again. She tried to remember, but she had so much going on in her mind that her stomach growling was one of the least of her worries.

Dasom moved dorms again, this time she would be living with the rest of the girls, which she was grateful for so at least she would have some company instead of a stuffed bear or the tv on in the background. She shared a room with Sooyoung which she loved for they knew each other and were already friends from their trainee days.

All the girls got close to one another really fast, and each of them revealed their fears about their debut to one another. Everything was happening so fast, and a large number of fans were yelling at SM to give f(X) a comeback the moment the news about a new girl group was announced. The hate towards the girls came at them all in waves without them even releasing their first single yet, which made all of them nervous.

One more girl was supposed to debut with them -- Yerim. However, she was only fifteen at the time and it had been passed into law not long ago that you can't debut an idol until they're a certain age, but they already planned to add her in later next year. So, Red Velvet was to make their debut as a five-member group who were already labeled as SM's Failures.


	16. happiness.

When the word got out that Dasom was debuting in Red Velvet, many of her fans weren't happy. In many people's minds, Red Velvet was going to completely replace f(x) and they were going to be cast aside. The comments on all of Dasom's music videos were quickly flooded with hate, cursing and insulting her in languages she didn't even know. There were so many comments on any articles that had to do with her so they were unavoidable, and it got to the point that she was afraid to even check social media.

The comments that hurt her the most were the ones saying she gained weight, she got fat, she needed to lose weight, and the more she looked in the mirror the more she could see it was true. She couldn't point to the actual date she considered when she relapsed, but it wasn't long before she was back into her old, dangerous habits. Now, she was determined to hide them better than she had before.

The five girls made their debut on the first day of August, and all five of them were equally as nervous. They all knew of the hate they were receiving and they didn't know if that would transfer into the crowd that night. All of them practiced as hard as they could to make their stage the best they could, but no one knew how anyone would react that night.

The stage was more intimidating than Dasom had remembered. She couldn't resist peeking out and viewing the crowd that was still being put in their seats as they waited for the show to start. She felt a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump. She turned around to be greeted with the comforting face of Wendy.

"It's gonna be fine," Wendy assured her. She could sense how nervous and tense the girl was from almost a mile away. "Come on, we have to get ready."

Dasom followed the girl to where the rest of them were getting dressed into their outfits. They were all dressed in variations of red and white cheerleader outfits, all of their hair straight to show off the colors. The five girls laughed and talked amongst one another, doing their best to kill their nerves. 

Their stage could essentially be described as a colossal rainbow. To match with the concept of the song and the jungle vibe of the music video there was a very colorful background with flowers, palm trees, and a big sign displaying the title of the song behind a replica of the mouth from the music video. If you looked at it long it was enough to give you a headache, at least that's what Dasom thought.

The girls have each other one final look before they made their way onto the stage. Each of them felt as hopeful as they could for they had practiced for long hours at a time, wanting to make this performance perfect. The crowd cheered for them as they got into the opening position in the middle of the stage, Seulgi starting the song off.

The crowd reacted better than Dasom had thought. Though there were people who didn't like their debut, the audience still cheered for the five girls. The audience was shocked by Wendy, her clear, amazing vocals wowing the entire audience there that night. As their performance came to an end, the girls quickly bowed and walked off the stage, feeling better than they had when they got on the stage.

That night the girls did a mini celebration in their dorms together. They had fun with one another, celebrating their successful debut. Dasom called Yoongi that night after the other girls went to bed, happy to just be able to hear the sound of his voice again. He told her about the full album they were going to be releasing to which Dasom expressed how excited she was. She always tried to keep up with BTS for aside from the fact that her brother and boyfriend were in the group, she actually really liked their music.

The two talked for a decent amount of time before Dasom could barely speak two words without yawning. They eventually wished each other good night, though Yoongi would most likely be working in the studio for the next few hours. Dasom fell asleep not long after, feeling somewhat happier than she had in a long time.


End file.
